6.20.21

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Hot white blood bursts out from my dogged vein.

I'm spiritually depleted, nowhere to turn

except to my recovery community.

I want to cry and miraculously 

feel willingness to practice my

recovery. It is simple little things first.

I got away from a porn urge.

I thought "good, I dodged it"

but I went right back to it. 

It feels like I want to push my limits

and reach a new bottom. A hernia,

or internal muscle problems.

My inner pipe system cannot withstand

this compulsive masturbatory cycle.

I use the porn to fill my attention 

when I don't feel capable of practicing

piano or writing. In my paralyzed state

post-cum I thought about the regrets 

I will have if I never write that story pulsing inside of me

Or at least practice the craft of writing. 

I don't want to run from it my whole life 

and fill the void with porn and cum.

I don't want to drain my body spiritually.

I realize cum is a spiritual substance.

It is life held in my balls. 

I can't keep letting it go just because I'm anxiously lost.